Wednesday, June 11, 2008

A New Business Model...?

Are you worried that you might be left behind to face tribulation when the Rapture comes? I'm not either, but maybe you know someone who is. Apparently that whole scene is a major concern for a fairly large chunk of Americans. A couple of quick Google searches indicate that a lot of Christians are afraid that they're not actually saved - that is to say, they're afraid they only "think" they're gonna go to heaven and that when the end of the world arrives Jesus is actually gonna wallop them with a sack of doorknobs and throw them into hell. Folks are also worried that the same fate awaits their families, as evinced by this article about what to do if your family is hellbound.

Most of this talk revolves around trying to "save" the individual in question (kind of like my one friend's son was trying to do when he plastered one of my books with sticky notes about Ray Comfort.), but there's an emerging trend of just giving up and accepting that your sinful friends and family just won't get Raptured. If only there was a way to say "I told you so" after the fact. Then they might accept Jesus and retroactively get into heaven after Armageddon.

Yeah, if only there was a expensive way...

Oh wait, there is! For a mere pittance of $40 a year You've Been Left Behind will send up to 62 of your friends and family members a nagging message of your own devising after the Rapture. It seems like a risky gambit though. The e-mail messages will only be sent out if 3 of the 5 administrators for the site fail to log in for something like 5 days in a row. Presumably they won't log in because they've been Raptured, but isn't that being pretty optimistic about what percentage of people are going to be Raptured?

Lunatic writer Tim LaHaye estimates that maybe 50% of Americans will be Raptured, but a number of other lunatics disagree, claiming that the number will be much, much smaller. * You've Been Left Behind is premised on the idea that at least 60% of its administrators will be Raptured, but how can believers rest assured that this will happen? What if none of them get Raptured? Then a whole bunch of believers will be out a ton of cash and their friends won't even know that the world's ended! They'll never get that last soul-saving e-mail, they'll go to hell, and all the righteous folk will be out $40. Poor bastards.

Luckily your old pal Skippy has a solution. As a filthy, stinking atheist, I'm guaranteed not to get Raptured even if it were actually real. Listen up, Bible Believers - for a mere $15 a year I'll keep a list of all of your suspected sinner friends. Then, if I wake up one morning and there's an army of demons marching down the street, I'll send them a "Holy crap, it's real!" e-mail the instant I'm done putting on a clean pair of pants. How could it possibly go wrong?

*My own prediction is that somewhere around 0% of people are going to be Raptured, but that's just me.


Garret G said...

Uhhh Skippy, I'm pretty sure that demons are too smart to go to Louisville. ;)

Garret G said...

Here is the email that I will have sent to you, at the rapture-

Dear Heathen piece of shit,
I fuckin told you, but you didn't listen and repent, and now look at you- all confused and terrified. Frankly, I really hope you are sorry, because you were too stubborn to trust the Lord and He really wanted to forgive you and die for YOU but its too late. Please read the very literal depiction of what is about to happen in the revelation of John.
Your grandpa wasn't a monkey in the zoo, even though science told you that you are a monkey in the zoo. God is all holy and can't stand to look at sin, and now he will rip your guts out in front of your family, forever and ever.
You have 7 years until you are thrown into the lake of fire. Good luck with that, and be sure to get in shape for your deep knee bend, cuz yer gonna bow real good and hard for Jesus, that's how he likes it!
Everyone knows that Jesus loves you, and thats why he is gonna do this. You and all those homosexuals are gonna say "dang, we shoulda listened instead of thinking about penis and boobs, ooops."

like the bible says-
'he knows when you are sleeping,
he knows when you're awake
he knows when you've been bad or good,
so be good for goodness sake!
You better watch out!
You better not cry!
The Rapture is here, I'm tellin you why!
Santa Claus is burning- with you!

Well, gotta go now, Jesus is giving a lecture on ID.


Garret G said...

hey, just stumbled upon this fun review of the creation museum.


Jay said...

I find it somewhat amusing that there is so much disagreement amongst rapture-proponents about precisely what it involves and when it's supposed to happen.

I just loved the videos Skippy put up a few weeks back of the old Rapture PSAs...

Skippy the Skeptic said...

Pharyngula had a link to that review last week some time, I think. Seeing pictures of the inside of that place... it just has the aura of unreality about it. It's hard to wrap the mind around a purported museum that sports exhibits of cavemen riding dinosaurs like in The Flintstones.

Honestly I'd kind of like to go on an expedition there myself but I have an aversion to giving those loons $20 to get in.

Jay said...

Skippy -

Re: admission fees.

Two words: Press Pass.