My Evening With L. Ron...

Look what I got for $2.63!


Yeah, that's right, I got my grubby paws on an whacko Scientology DVD for only $2.63 more than it's worth. I found this at a thrift store in Indiana along with a bunch of other Scientology crap, which means that not only did I unearth a veritable treasure trove of nonsense to make fun of examine, but also that someone knew enough to throw all of this flapdoodle away to begin with. The DVD I picked up was also happily unopened (until about 2 minutes ago), meaning it never had the chance to harm anyone impressionable.

In any event, on this disc is an interview with prolific sci-fi author and Scientology creator L. Ron Hubbard that was apparently filmed in 1966. According to the back of the box, this is in fact the only recorded interview in which Hubbard ever took part. I'm going to try a bit of a live-blogging experiment here, typing out my impressions to the interview as it plays.

The first thing I have to say is that the production value of the disc itself is surprisingly high. I guess when John Travolta is paying the bills, you can afford to have animated menus and about two dozen subtitle tracks. For whatever reason, the audio is presented in 5.1 surround sound. Even as I type this, I have the impression of being trapped inside Hubbard's fleshy, gurgling throat as he explains his early life "studying the ways of 21 primitive races." His voice reminds me a bit of Richard Nixon, or maybe Jimmy Stewart if he were chewing an entire pack of gum.

I've paused the interview briefly to add this disc to the Access database I use to organize my DVDs. I'm not quite sure what genre to check off for something title An Introduction to Scientology. I don't have a "documentary" category, so "sci-fi" will have to suffice for now. I may change it to "comedy" later...

I have now have been listening to Hubbard drone on for a little over half an hour. There's not been much substance to Hubbard's statements. Apparently "survive!" is the driving, unifying goal of mankind (fair enough), but since "man is actually a spirit" only Scientology can really help you survive correctly. It's not a medical treatment or in any way akin to psychology (that's true too, but not the way Hubbard intends), but that it's nonetheless "used by medical professionals in different parts of the world" to cure diseases, although that's only an incidental side effect of it's true power. We are further told that folks using Scientology techniques have been proven to have increased IQ scores. By whom? Well,"by the professors of all the universities". Ah, well great...but how does bring about this increase in IQ? "By knowing certain things and then applying them." Clearly.

I'm increasingly amazed about how Hubbard is evading even softball questions by a friendly interviewer. He's actually stumbling over some of these questions, which makes me wonder if he didn't even bother to plan out his responses beforehand. For example, at one point the interviewer asks Hubbard how Scientology has proven that man is actually a spirit. Since Hubbard has said this at least eleven dozen times thus far in the interview, I would have assumed that he'd have some kind of at least slightly coherent reply. My assumption would have been wrong, as evinced by Hubbard's answer:

"Well, the early Greeks, for instance, worked along this line. They wanted to know what man was, and they concluded that he was a spirit clothed in flesh. And, uh, that happens to work out...and so forth."

He shortly thereafter states that Scientology has proved life after death, but that the proof is "too technical for this sort of program".

Right. The interview has finally sputtered to an end, culminating in Hubbard's swelling description of Scientology as a tool for mankind to move forward and better itself. This interview pre-dates Sea Org, so Scientology had not yet become a vehicle for Hubbard to remain at sea for months on end searching for treasured buried during his past lives.

I can't rightly say what it was that I expected out of this DVD, but I had at least hoped that Hubbard would somehow be glib, clever, or impressively conniving in his explanations and justifications of his pseudoscience/religion. He was not. He spent 51 minutes repeating a handful of banal platitudes and answering questions with only tangentially-related vagaries. Rather unsurprisingly, he did not mention body thetans, Xenu, or any of the most fantastical flummery associated with Scientology, but only alluded to the cult as a "path to freedom" and the "betterment of mankind". This doesn't strike me as anything close to convincing, but it's exactly the same flavor of comforting, vaguely mystical, pseudoscientific flummery that cults the world over promote with worrying success.

I don't have a pithy quote to end this post, but I'll leave with one from our pal L. Ron instead. It's far more elucidating than anything he said during his filmed interview.

"THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN CONTROL PEOPLE IS TO LIE TO THEM. You can write that down in your book in great big letters. The only way you can control anybody is to lie to them."

- L. Ron Hubbard¹

______
1.) Quoted from Technical Volumes of Dianetics and Scientology, vol. 1, p. 418

The disc also came packaged with a a 40-something page booklet containing a biography of Hubbard that truly boggles the mind with its grandiosity. We learn that Hubbard was "a pioneer of American aviation" and a was blinded and lamed during World War II, only to somehow heal himself through sheer force of will. A long discussion of Hubbard's various claims about himself would take an entire book. (Like this one, courtesy of Operation Clambake, a website dedicated to exposing the truth about Scientology.)

I would refer readers to the late Martin Gardner's article on Hubbard and dianetics from his classic Fads and Fallacies in the Name of Science for a brief overview of Hubbard's largely fictional life and times.

Former Insider Takes on Scientology...

Jason Beghe is apparently some kind of actor, and is likewise apparently friends with David Duchovny from "The X-Files". I don't know, I don't recognize the guy. He also used to be a Scientologist, but now he's pulled his head out of his backside and is taking a stand against the cult. Most notable is his Youtube video, which is embedded below. There's a lot of swearing, but the guy's right on the money. To sum up for those who don't want to watch, he says "If Scientology is true, something's fucked up. Show me all the fuckin' Clears*." Testify.




*A Clear in Scientology is someone who has completely rid themselves of all of their body Thetans, or soul-eating alien ghosts. They have superpowers and whatnot. According to L. Ron, for example, Jesus was a Clear. L. Ron, of course, was a much more powerful one.

It's like a treasure hunt!

I can't imagine anyone converting from one religion to another on the basis of something they found on the ground. The idea of picking up a profoundly life changing piece of refuse just plain eludes me. That being said, here in Kentucky there are diverse religious groups who bank on just that.

The Scientologists for one leaflet the U of L campus regularly and also take out ads in all the local "alternative newspapers". One of my fondest hopes in school was to slip on a pile of Scientology personality tests in front of Ekstrom Library, blow out a knee, and live the rest of my life on L. Ron's coin thanks to a fat lawsuit. Sadly that never materialized, but those silly "Oxford Personality Measurement" things litter the college grounds like cherry blossoms with the coming of each new semester.

Likewise the Seventh Day Adventists, whose hilariously titled book "National Sunday Law: Forces Unite Against Stupendous Crisis" shows up regularly just about anywhere you can fit a pile of the things. I first encountered them when I worked at a Subway during college - every week or so, a man who looked like George Lucas would trundle into the store, leave a dozen of the things on the tray return shelf above the garbage can, and then slink mysteriously back into the night. The Seventh Day Adventists, if you're unaware, make it a centerpiece of their faith that the sabbath should be Saturday rather than Sunday. Christians who use Sunday for the sabbath have therefore obviously been corrupted by a demonic conspiracy and are going to go to special hell. While I'm an atheist, I tend to split the difference by not doing in work on Saturday or Sunday and it seems to have worked out okay so far.

Finally, of course, we come to probably the most ubiquitous form of garbage can proselytizing- Jack Chick tracts. These fearsome little numbers are available in bulk Chick.com and spout a fiery anti-Catholic, anti-gay, anti-science, anti-everything-but-Chick-Tracts form of fundagelical Christianity. They've also become a token of American pop culture, showing up as music videos and even being modified to preach the virtues of prostrating yourself before Cthulhu.

In any event, I stumbled across one of these today in, of all places, the john at a Panera Bread Co. It wasn't even an appropriate one about not being a yuppie or something, it was "No Fear?", which is just about some guy who kills himself and goes to hell. Most Chick Tracts end with someone in hell, often after getting smote down by a 3o-ft tall faceless Yahweh.

I was disappointed not to get one of the good ones like "Dark Dungeons", but "No Fear?" is still going right to the top of collection of mass-market proselytizing paraphernalia. (The previous prize of my collection was a creationist leaflet called "The Big Bang is like a Terrorist Bomb".) If you want, for whatever weird reason, to look at all of Chick's work, they're all available on his website for perusal, some them in multiple languages or "adapted for black audiences", whatever that means. If you were only going to read one, I'd recommend this howler in which Chick explains how dinosaurs went extinct. (In a nutshell, they were hunted to extinction after the Flood because the destruction of plant life made the air too thin for them run away quickly.)

My pals Ray and L. Ron...

Believe it or not, I don't actually dislike Ray Comfort. He seems like a decent sort of fellow, and I'd probably trust him to watch the apartment if I was on vacation. He just happens to be staggeringly wrong about reality, though to all appearances he genuinely believes all the nonsense he spouts to be true. I'm even willing to attribute his truly heroic amounts of quote-mining to just having a bad handle on the process of academic writing. Also he's got that easy-going koala sort of look to him.*

On the other hand, L. Ron Hubbard was a malevolent huckster who I wouldn't trust not to pee on a public toilet seat just for kicks. While the argument could be made that by the end of his life he really did believe in his crazy pseudoscience/religion, it's pretty obvious that at the start he was just plain pulling it all out of his backside to see how far he could run with it. Plus he just plain looked creepy.

The problem here is, regardless of what I personally think of these two guys, their claims about reality were equally specious, and some of their methods for gaining converts are equally disingenuous. If you live in my area and you've ever picked up a LEO, then you've probably seen a Scientology questionnaire. If you hang around outside the humanity's building at U of L long enough it's also even money that someone will eventually hand you one. Pretty much the same thing goes for Ray's "Are You A Good Person?" test, though you're more likely to get it handed to you at the mysterious creationist booth at the regional flea market.

The best part about both of these tests is that you can't pass. Try it. You can take Ray's test at the link I gave above - the "right" answers should be obvious. You can take the Scientology Test here. I probably wouldn't put in my real name and address. The "correct" answers for that one are on the link from the last paragraph.

The results? Even with the BEST POSSIBLE ANSWERS, both tests are quick to point out how flawed and needy you are and how only their respective purveyors can help you. Ray and L. Ron's tactics are one and the same. They already know what they want to see in the people they purport to help - weak-minded, worthless people that can't be trusted to make their own decisions. What an arrogant and shallow view.

Sorry Ray, I'd trust you with my stuff, but not with my mind.

*For reference.

Tom Cruise: Scientologist and Man of Action...

Wow. A Tom Cruise Scientology indoctrination video has hit the internet, revealing just another aspect of what a freakin' loon this fellow is. It's being pulled down off the web as fast as the Scientologists can find it and send in copyright claims, but the clip is still available on Defamer. Pull up some popcorn and enjoy. By the way, he keeps referencing "KSW". In case you're wondering, that stands for "Keep Scientology Working", a policy letter "which establishes the infallibility of Hubbard's so-called "technology'" according to the Xenu Directory. Apparently one of Hubbard's core teachings was "use as many acronyms as possible".

What's extra fun is listening him talk about how he "has to do something" ad nauseum, as though his magical Scientology powers have given him a Spider-Man-like responsibility to save the world (from Xenu, one would assume) by making as many Mission Impossible movies as possible. Note the wild claim that "Tom Cruise has helped a billion people with Scientology" statistic at the end.